A little boy was listening to a long and excessively boring sermon in church. Suddenly his eye the red sanctuary lamp caught his eye. Tugging his father’s sleeve, he said, “Daddy, when the light turns green can we go?”
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
An old Irishman, McDougal, had a loyal and faithful dog who died. McDougal went to his parish priest and asked, “Father, could you say some prayers in Mass for my dog?” The old pastor said, “McDougal, you know very well that we don’t pray for animals at Mass. Why don’t you go down to that Baptist church and ask them? I’m sure they’ll do it.” “Well, ok, Father, I think I’ll do just that. Oh, by the way, do you think they’ll be offended if I offered them $5,000 to pray for my dog?”
Father exclaimed, “Why, McDougal, you never said your dog was Catholic!”
Four mothers having lunch.
Mother 1: My son is a priest. When he enters the church, everyone says, Good morning Father. (And she’s very proud)
Mother 2: My son is a bishop; everyone says, Good morning Your Excellency. (And she’s very very proud)
Mother 3: My son is a cardinal; everyone says, Good morning Your Eminence. (And she’s extremely proud).
All 3 look at Mother 4 and see what she has to say.
Mother 4: Oh, my son is not a priest. He’s just a layman. And he’s 350 pounds & 7 foot 6. And when he enters the church, everyone says, OH MY GOD!!!
Man: Father, can you do a novena for me to win an SUV raffle?
Capuchin Priest: Sure, but what’s an SUV?
Man explains what an SUV is.
Capuchin: Oh no, that’s not what novenas are for. I can’t help you.
Man goes to a Dominican priest and makes the same request.
Dominican: Sure, but what’s an SUV?
Man explains and gets the same answer.
Man goes to a Jesuit and makes the same request.
Jesuit: Sure, but what’s a novena?
3 men in Purgatory were arguing about who should go to heaven first.
1st man: “I am the president of the United States, the largest democracy in the world. I deserve to go first.”
2nd man: “I am the pope, the head of the holy Roman Catholic Church. I deserve to go first.”
3rd man (Chamoru guy): “I just want to serve my penance so I can go to heaven.”
The next morning in Purgatory, they wake up and the Chamoru guy is gone! The Chamoru guy wakes up and he’s in heaven! He looks up and sees a beautiful angel slowly, slowly coming down to talk to him.
The angel says: “Hafa, Primo! Maulek ha?”
It’s not what it seems…
Very upset Mother with daughter in K-grade complains to Catholic school principal regarding the day’s lesson. Mother tells little Annie to repeat what she learned.
Annie: 1+1 the son of a b_ _ _h is 2. 2+2 the son of a b_ _ _ h is 4. 4+4 the son of a b_ _ _h is 8.
Principal tells Mother that she will get to the bottom of this and goes to talk to Sister Maria, the K-grade teacher.
Principal: Sister Maria, how was your class today?
Sister Maria: I just started the class doing simple additions, like: 1+1 the sum of which is 2. 2+2 the sum of which is 4. 4+4 the sum of which is 8. Why do you ask?
Principal: Oh,just checking…
A nun, a priest, and a lawyer arrive at the gates of heaven and St. Peter greeted them. “Welcome to Heaven. We have simplified the process of admission, and all you need to do to get into Heaven is pass a simple test. Are you ready?”
The Nun said, “I’ve prepared for this moment for 73 years.”
“Okay,” said St. Peter, “spell ‘God’.”
“Very good, Sister, enter your eternal reward.”
“That was easier than I thought it would be,” the priest said, “I’ll take my test now.”
“Okay,” said St. Peter, “spell ‘love’.”
“Excellent, Pale’, enter your eternal reward.”
The third person, a lawyer, said, “Boy, is this is gonna be a snap. Give me my test.”
“Okay,” said St. Peter, “spell ‘prorhipidoglossomorpha’.”
During a Eucharistic Congress, a number of priests from different orders are gathered in a church for Vespers. While they are praying, a fuse blows and all the lights go out.
The Benedictines continue praying from memory, without missing a beat.
The Jesuits begin to discuss whether the blown fuse means they are dispensed from the obligation to pray Vespers.
The Franciscans compose a song of praise for God’s gift of darkness.
The Dominicans revisit their ongoing debate on light as a signification of the transmission of divine knowledge.
The Carmelites fall into silence and slow, steady breathing.
The parish priest, who is hosting the others, goes to the basement and replaces the fuse.
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original “Jaws” story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO. Holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.
Jesus defended the lady, saying “may he who is without sin cast the first stone”.
No sooner had he uttered the word “stone” than a small pebble came hurling out of the croud and struck the woman on the forehead. Jesus grew angry and pushed is way into the croud, asking “who threw that?”
As he pushed his way to the back of the crowd, he found the origin of the thrown rock and said “Mom!? What are you doing here?”
why did the priest giggle?
Moe: ‘My wife got me to believe in religion.’
Moe: ‘Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in Hell.’