Three To Get Married

Guam has been my home for almost 14 years now which means I’ve lived here longer than any other place since my childhood. One of the things I love about Guam, and the primary thing that has kept me here, is its Catholic culture.

At the same time I am constantly bewildered by some of the cultural things accepted by many Catholics that are definitely not Catholic. One of those things is what is commonly known as a “Guam marriage”, a euphemism for common law marriage, or just “living together”.

What is sad to me is that so many couples who truly love each other, and who may have already brought children into the world, deny themselves and their children the marriage and family saving benefit of the Marriage Sacrament because the culture implicitly demands a large, if not extravagant (expensive) wedding.

Somebody has to straighten this out. The marriage and the wedding are two different things. If you can’t afford the wedding of your dreams, then just get married and have the wedding later when you can afford it.

Actually when most people refer to a wedding they’re not referring to the actual “wed-ding”, the sacramental binding of two souls, they’re usually referring to the costumes and the party. These things can wait if need be. The only requirements, at least for a Catholic wedding, is an informed couple who is willing to enter into this life-long sacrificial covenant, a priest or deacon to perform the rite, and a witness. It will probably cost less than a 100 bucks with the necessary papers, etc.

As Catholics we must be reminded that marriage is a Sacrament. It is a special channel of God’s grace. It is the way God, Our Father, has deigned and designed, through his supernatural life-giving love, to sustain our life together .

Hundreds of Mass-attending Catholic couples on Guam (and elsewhere of course) are denying themselves this Sacramental Grace due to cultural pressures and family expectations. Should we then be surprised that family life is often such a struggle? We, albeit maybe not intentionally, have blocked God from entering these relationships and transforming them into sacred covenants because we want a nice dress and a big party.

As Catholics we must remember that as part of the Mystical Body, the grace extended to newly-weds through Sacramental union will benefit the whole Body, just as the lack of it (more to the point: a state of sin) affects the whole as well.

My wife and I were married on her home island of St.Croix and were actually quite broke at the time. Leone made her own dress, the bridesmaid’s dresses, the wedding cake, and braided and beaded her own hair. I bought a very inexpensive, re-usable white suit, and we purchased $20 silver wedding bands.

I, along with two friends, provided the music, playing the guitar and singing while my wife-to-be walked up the aisle. Flowers were simply plucked off trees and arranged naturally and nicely. A friend took pictures.

We left the church a happily married couple in my old right-hand drive mail jeep with the doors slid back, Leone’s dress flying in the breeze. Our reception was at her mom’s house. Coconut tree branches and local flowers were used for decorations. Leone, her mom, and aunts did the cooking and provided plenty to eat.

Music for the reception was provided by Joseph, a Trinidadian (a person from the island of Trinidad), who lived downstairs. He “crank up de box” (translation: turned the music up loud) and added dance-inducing percussion to the pulsating calypso, beating on a brake drum with two piston rods. (No extra charge.)

It was raining like crazy and mud and people were everywhere. We danced the night away “tramping” (a calypso line dance) through the house, around the house, out through the rain, and back through the house. What a mess. But what a wonderful time. Friends and relatives still talk about our wedding as one of the best times they ever had.

And by the way, the first night of our “honeymoon” was spent with other wedding guests out on “Sandy Point” watching giant leatherback sea turtles climb onto shore and lay eggs...I guess, by doing this, given the present size of our family, we must have unconsciously participated in some ancient fertility rite...(smile).

I admit that it was more out of mad love for Leone that I wanted to get married than any desire for Sacramental Grace. But looking back now almost 15 years later, it wasn’t the mad love that sustained our marriage through the birth and rearing of eight children and many misunderstandings and hardships (as sometimes there was more mad than love). On our own, the two of us never would have made it. It has taken the “Three” of us.

God, in His providential plan for our happiness (and yours), has provided, through His Son and the Holy Spirit, a sacramental avenue to true marital and familial joy. They are the only guests you need invite to the party. And by the way, ask them to stay.

Tim Rohr

January 30, 2000